A Form of Recovery

As I continued to research the raw diet and search out support, I quickly learned that I was not the only person to use the diet as a means to heal an unhealthy relationship with food.  In all honesty, that is part of what my return to the diet encompasses.  The... problem... the disease... the anorexia... like other forms of addiction, it never truly goes away.  It lingers.  It becomes just as much of an addiction as alcoholism, as drug addiction.  The high of watching pounds fall off, the illusion of control and empowerment it provides makes you willing, hell, eager to reach more and more desperate lengths to sustain, to illicit a stronger high.  As much as I have tried to recover over the last nine years, there remains a part of me that refuses to let go of that outlet completely.

In the midst of stress, turmoil, pain, old habits happily resurfaced, as alluring and promising as old ghosts can be.  I used it to gain back control when I felt helpless, to punish myself for creating the body I had hated, to quiet pain when it was almost unbearable, to detox.  It could serve any purpose I placed before it.

I won't say that I relapsed.  That sounds too harsh.  But when my boyfriend left for New Zealand, well, food took the back burner.  Cooking became a burden, eating a nuisance.  As much as I focused on being strong, on moving forward and not wallowing, self-nourishment (even in something like exercising) was almost painful, as if caring for myself caused me to more vividly feel the absence of the one who most passionately cares for me.      

It's impossible to do the raw diet without caring for yourself, without a love for yourself.  To embark upon such a difficult and even isolatory journey can only be fueled by a passion for your own well being and health.  The raw diet is my determination to recovery.  Hell, I spend most of my time trying to figure out how I can eat more so that I don't become malnourished.

Today's meals: fruit for breakfast, raw pizza from a raw chef back home, and raw pancakes made from flaxmeal, agave, and water (though I want to experiment more with that recipe once I have more produce in the dorm).